How to Hold a Grudge that Nobody Cares About but Me
Two fingers with drawn faces: the left finger appears sad with a tear, while the right finger looks angry. The image represents emotional conflict or disagreement.
No matter how hard we try, we cannot control the minds of others and there are always some who will find much in us to criticize. My teacher, Akegarasu, used to remark, “When a ship moves forward it creates a wake. The bigger the ship, the bigger the wake.” We cannot avoid stirring up criticism by our actions, however good our intentions. But like a ship which has already moved past its wake, we should leave criticism behind.
From Center Within by Gyomay M. Kubose
Leave criticism behind? I don’t know, I seem to really enjoy hanging on to what I consider abuse at least. It seems to come naturally to me. This is a tough one and easier said than done. Letting go is not as easy as it sounds. A lot of the Buddha’s teachings seem simple to understand, but are difficult to put in to practice. I always find it kind of funny when a non-Buddhist finds out that I am a Buddhist and they sometimes say, “Oh, Buddhism seems like such a relaxing religion.” Well, considering so much of Buddhism is self-examination, it is often not that relaxing. Especially when I keep discovering what a jerk I am!
For me, part of my self-examination and realization is awareness. Being aware of hanging onto negative things, instead of before, when I just did it without thinking. Now that I am aware of what I am doing, I get mad at myself for hanging on and not letting go. Sometimes I think I was better off before. Maybe ignorance really is bliss! You didn’t hear me say that! No, it’s all just part of the process.
When we are criticized by someone, maybe we can let go of our ego enough to see that there is some truth to it. In our service book, there is a passage from Rennyo that says this quite well:
The faults of others are easy to see, but our own faults are difficult to recognize. If one sees that he has a fault, he must realize that the fault must be very grave indeed for him to recognize it himself, thus he must take steps to correct his fault. Because it is difficult for us to see to many of our faults, we should listen to the advice of others.
So if it turns out the person is right, maybe we can put what they said into practice. If their criticism is false, as I always like to think it is, then it’s like when we deal with angry people. We need to consider the causes and conditions that gave the person the need to say something negative. Sometimes this seems to be the only way people are able to feel good about themselves. If that’s the case, then we should not only not take it personal, but maybe even look at it as helping them by listening. No matter what, they need our compassion and empathy.
I believe one way that can help us is through meditation. I remember a long time ago when I first started going to OCBC, I was doing the Wednesday night meditation group regularly. My older brother was still alive and I had pretty much spent my life having him tell me how I did everything wrong. As I would sit in meditation letting my thoughts come and go. I would think of my brother’s actions and angry thoughts would come to me. I would first think of a bad reaction and then let that go, and then out of nowhere doing the right thing would come to me and I knew I had to go with that.
There are many ways to meditate. I spend a lot of time at Disneyland. At different places all through the park there are little flower gardens that are always changing. No matter how busy things are, I can stop and get lost in the flower gardens. I am sure people see me and wonder what I am doing. I even had a cast member come over to me one day and ask if I was alright! I also have a couple of tree friends there too, but I probably shouldn’t talk about that.
There are plenty of places we can find during the course of our day where we can stop, meditate, smell the roses, and say the Nembutsu. The Nembutsu can be our spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down!
In Gassho,
Matthew A. Stolz
Minister Assistant
