If You Can’t Love Yourself…
Shea Couleé, The Vivienne, RuPaul, Trinity the Tuck, Jinkx Monsoon, Monét X Change and Raja at LA DragCon 2022. Original photo by DVSROSS.
“If you can’t love yourself, how the heck are you gonna love somebody else?” — RuPaul
This iconic line closes every episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. It’s playful, it’s direct—and it’s also profoundly Buddhist. When asked what he meant by it, RuPaul said, “Simply put, you can’t give away something that you don’t have.” In other words, if we want to have compassion for others, we need to start with ourselves. But, he didn’t stop there. He added, “Finding out how to love yourself is a whole other thing.” This isn’t always easy, but we can look to the teachings of Amida Buddha for guidance.
Why Self-Compassion Matters
Self-compassion is a vital force for health and happiness. When we meet our own struggles with understanding, we have less stress and it allows us to continue forward, especially when things are hard. Think of this compassion as a steady, positive energy that embraces and holds us. In Buddhism, we talk about this energy as coming from Amida Buddha. As the story goes, Amida vowed not to awaken fully until all beings could be included—especially those who struggle, doubt, fail, or feel unworthy.
It's not about perfection. It doesn't depend on willpower or purity. And it does not go away when we falter. This compassion is always flowing towards us, never away. We are held. Amida Buddha is not some distant savior waiting for us to become worthy. Amida is the living embodiment of compassion that meets us exactly as we are. When we genuinely believe we are worthy of compassion and love, our lives begin to reflect that belief.
Compassion softens our self-judgment. We shift from trying to perfect ourselves through heroic spiritual efforts to simply letting ourselves be human. With time we come to understand the truth that we are imperfect, interdependent beings doing our best in changing conditions. When we realize this, our compassion for others grows too.
Cultivating Self-Compassion
What can we do to foster self-compassion? It's not something we command into existence but more something we practice and allow with gentle support and reminders.
Watch how you speak to yourself. That inner monologue can be filled with harsh judgements and criticisms. An easy rule to follow is, if you wouldn't say it to your best friend, don't say it to yourself. Self-compassion starts with kindness and simply befriending and accepting ourselves as we are—flaws and all. The first step is to just bring awareness.
Lovingkindness (or Metta) meditation can help us practice finding that compassion for ourselves while including others. Offering lovingkindness to everyone encourages a sense of connection and improves relationships with ourselves and others. When goodwill is practiced internally, it naturally shows up as patience, empathy, and better listening.
Trust what already holds you. Like Amida’s vow, compassion is not something you have to manufacture, you simply have to allow it. Taking a moment to see all the ways we are held in compassion throughout our day, allows to us to find gratitude for what we already have.
Remember, when compassion includes us, it naturally flows outward and opens our ability to offer love and compassion to others—just as RuPaul reminds us of each episode, “If you can’t love yourself, how the heck are you gonna love somebody else?”
